Why I Refuse to Have Back to School Mom Guilt

Oh the back to school hustle and bustle is in full effect. From the back to school shopping, to the first day of school social media photos, excitement is definitely in the air. Now, we all have seen those awesome Pinterest boards with the back to school chalk boards that have intricate designs and facts to mark the milestone. Man, those are impressive! To all the parents that make this happen every year, hats off to you!

When my oldest first started pre-school I definitely did the chalkboard thing. It was so fun to make and very time consuming but so worth it. He stood by this chalk board that was almost taller than him and we snapped like a thousand photos. He even posed with his best friend at the time, Pikachu! It was a day to remember.

Then came the diagnosis. The therapy, the IEP meetings, the interventions, the care binders and a number of other things that I had to add to my “work load” as a momma, because let’s be honest if we don’t, who will. It is not something we were “made to do” but something we have to do for our babies. It is something we just learn as we go. Parenting children with special needs is a job unlike anything else, and at the same time is such a rewarding experience.

Now, throw in a full time job. I am an Assistant Principal in South Central Los Angeles and my commute can range from 45 minutes to 2 hours depending on the road conditions. Much of my week is spent at work or commuting to and from work, so I miss much of my kiddos daily routine. The “back to school” routine and the classic back to school photo seemed to take the back burner this school year. And I didn’t kill myself trying to get to a Back to School night that took place at 1 in the afternoon on a Tuesday. The old me would have had a classic case of mom guilt for missing these things but this year I refuse to allow this and here is why:

  1. Time is precious: The little time I do have with my boys is spent enjoying them and loving them. Asking them how their day was and reading books before bed. My time is not spent combing their hair and fighting with them to sit still for a photo, especially one which may cause a melt down if not done at the right time of day.
  2. Extended School Year: Due to being in an SDC, special day class, my guys are pretty much in school all year and have the same teachers 2-3 years in a row. On a side note the fact that they have the same teachers means my husband and I could teach the back to school night with our eyes closed! Haha! The excitement of a new year for my boys and for me really doesn’t take place on the same level as a kiddo in the general education setting. This is not to say that we aren’t excited for the boys and hype up the first day of school, it just means we capture the moments less often.
  3. We take SO many photos: Throughout the course of the year I take a bazillion photos of my kids that we can use to track their growth. It can be challenging to stage a photo, but candids, my kids got that down!
  4. Constant Communication: Due to my kids having IEP’s, Individual Education Plans, I find myself communicating with their teachers almost weekly. There aren’t many new things coming up on a yearly basis because we communicate via email, text, in person and extensively during our IEP season.

With all of this in mind and with the support of my village, this year I refuse to let mom guilt consume me for not taking part in all the “normal” back to school festivities. Honestly, my husband and I are so exhausted by the end of the day we have stopped trying to be “normal” in any sense of the word. What is normal anyway?

So for all my mommas and papas out there who have the mom/dad guilt and feel like you are doing your kiddos a disservice because you don’t have that sacred back to school photo, I am here to tell you, you are not alone and that it doesn’t make you a bad parent. You are doing your very best each and everyday to love and nurture your little ones. You are amazing. You are loved. You ARE ENOUGH.

The 5 Stages of Grief: Autism Edition

Having a child is, by far, one of the most amazing experiences a person can have! Whether you give birth or have the remarkable opportunity to choose your child it is truly an unmatched experience! As parents you go through the initial excitement and day dreaming of what it will be like! The hugs, the snuggles, the well known sleepless nights. We dream of spending time with our little ones and answering the endless “whys” about the world. As parents we instinctively want “what’s best for our children” and that “best” for some is to grow up with faith, to be happy and healthy. To go to college, get married, have kids and have an amazing job that they love! We want them to be liked and make friends. Never to end up in the hospital for anything other than a cold. Parents dream big dreams for their children and why wouldn’t we?

And then you become a parent and realize this parenting things isn’t like what you see on TV. While it can be a truly magical experience, it can also be absolutely terrifying. Especially when you hear the words, “your child has something called Autism Spectrum Disorder.” Suddenly your life is flipped upside down and your mind races! The world fades to black and the stages of grief set in.

DENIAL

This can begin even before your child is diagnosed. For us we waited almost a year before seeing a doctor because we convinced ourselves, “all kids do these things” and “all kids develop at different rates, he’ll catch up.” Which is true, all children do develop at different rates but for our little guys they never did and still haven’t “caught up”. Even after we received the diagnosis we still asked ourselves, is this real?

ANGER

The next stage is anger and boy did I feel this in every ounce of my body! I was angry at the world, at God and anyone who had anything to say on the subject. I lost my patience and I felt the need to challenge every idea, suggestion or words of support thrown my way. I am so grateful this stage didn’t last long for us but for many it definitely can be one of the longest stages in this process, and has a tendency to creep back in throughout the journey of special needs parenting. As a parent you have all these dreams for your child and then poof! They are gone in an instant because of the limitations you instinctively see due to the diagnosis. You find yourself asking why him? Why us? Why, why, why!?

BARGAINING

People bargain in many ways. Some argue, others look for a second opinion. Others do both of those things plus add in a little prayer. For us we prayed and prayed some more! Praying for God to heal my child, to help us to make him “normal” so he won’t have as many challenges. Bargaining with the doctors about if this, then that and so on. We would do anything to help our child live what we thought was his best life, and, at the time, that couldn’t possibly include autism.

DEPRESSION

Once the bargaining had subsided depression swooped in to take its place, I would even argue that this is a stage that never truly ends because as humans the ebbs and flows of life bring so many emotions along for the ride. We felt defeated and scared. Sad for our child because the day dreaming and future plans we had were gone and questions quickly replaced them. Will he be able to walk normally? Talk normally? Interact normally? What is normal? Do we even care about normal? Will he be able to laugh and joke with friends? Will he even speak at all or form thoughts of his own? What’s next? What do we do to support him? Will he be able to go to school? Dress himself? Drive a car? Go to college? Get a job? Get married? Oh my goodness will anyone ever love him like we do? Will he be able to show love? Will he have empathy for others? And the list goes on and on into the deep, dark rabbit hole of depression. This is where I spent most of my time the year after our first sons diagnosis. Coping with how to accept this “fate” that was placed, not only on one of my children but upon all three of my precious boys.

ACCEPTANCE!

This. This is my favorite part of this entire process because this is where LIFE BEGINS! After all is said and done you find a sense of peace knowing that this is YOUR child and his fate is yet to be determined. Yes, it’s not what we imagined but once we accepted our new “normal” the living began. Since this moment of acceptance we have learned to appreciate EVERYTHING our children accomplish and celebrate even the smallest victories, because in our world, they are HUGE VICTORIES. When our oldest Noah first answered a question on his own despite the script being provided for months we cried tears of joy! When the twins finally said “momma” after 2 years of anxiously waiting I wept tears of joy for almost an hour. Everyday it seems we get to experience a new victory and that, that makes it all worth it!

Many people have asked me, if I could wish their autism away would I do it. My answer last year would have been yes because I was trying to fit my children into a box that society has created as “normal”. My answer to the same question now is absolutely not! My sons have struggles, yes, but the way they interact with the world is remarkable! They see things I don’t, interact with the world in unique ways and ultimately have reminded me, as a mother, of how beautiful this world is. In many ways making my way through the stages of grief was a means to an end and that end was really the best kind of beginning!